You know what I miss? The little, simple things. Like waking up in the morning to watch cartoons (although to be fair, erase the morning and put in "afternoon", that would still sometimes be me), getting excited about the prize in a box of cereal... Hell. I don't get excited, but I still like them. I'm almost tempted to set up a collection. Why, I'm not quite sure...
I miss the smell of coffee and warm bread in the morning. I miss the rush to get up in time to get to school. I miss running a little to catch up with friends on the walk to school. I miss the rigid schedule (even though I said I'd hit myself if I ever thought that before I, well, I suppose I "graduated high school"). I miss waking up with only about two or three hours of sleep because I was up late the night before for absolutely no reason, or because I had overdue work. I miss doing my work by lamplight at night in my bed while my eyes just keep closing by their own volition. I miss meaning to wake up in the morning to finish up a bit of homework, only to hit the snooze button a million times because I was too tired due to sleepling late as usual, and ending up frantically trying to finish up the work due in that day in some other teacher's class, or just skipping whole chunks of lessons because "I had to go to the San due to a headache". Or stumbling into the house staffroom just before it was due to go for school, and croaking that I didn't "feel very well" and look suitably pathetic in order to be given a day off.
I miss climbing trees. Playing with the guy cousins because back before I hit about twelve, I was a complete tomboy who ignored her girl cousins and hung out with the boys because she feels more at home with them (right now, that very same tomboy who kickied a football around with the boys, skinned her knees and climbed trees has a large ratio of female over male friends, ironically enough).
I was part of a little trio with some of my cousins. Three of us born in the same year, two boys and a girl and I was the middle. I did everything with them. We played video games, we played those collectible card things... everything. I remember when we were at our grandparents' place one Raya when the boys and I snuck around with one of my older cousins and his friend from 'round the corner and we sat around and smoked. God, I couldn't have been more than twelve at that point. And I remember that the ruckus it caused when we got caught. Well, I said "we", but really it was only "them" because I was protected. They wouldn't sell me out.
My girl cousin, Niena, told me once that the boys of our muskateer group used to piss me off and I'd sulk over to their older sisters to play at being a girl, picking up a barbie doll. And the poor duo would later troup over to me and appologise and I'd forget about the girls and happily hung around with the boys again.
God, what happened to those days? I hardly ever talk to them anymore, those boy cousins of mine. We've gone off in completely different directions. One's a little punk, but then again he hasn't changed much from childhood. But he's alright. The other's gone and grown like a beanpole even though he used to be such a tiny kid. Hell, this is a late growth spurt since it came so recent. I was the tallest one of them all for such a long time, and, well, by Western standards I'm.... petitite. He wants to be a chef. Me? Still want to be an author. But oh, how it does feel like the impossible dream at the moment.
I've been distracted, recently. Haven't been able to write much of anything at all, but I will. I'll start. I have a year, I need to get my focus back. My sister... she's there for me completely and I don't know how I'll thank her. She's so encouraging, telling me that I should really focus on my writing now that I'm on my GAP year, encouraging me to write little articles or stories for magazines and such for work. I miss her. I'll hardly see her, since she's working in London and I'm back in Malaysia.
I'll miss everyone. I'll miss London. I'll miss going out to the tube at a moment's notice and go out with someone. I'll miss going 'round to the newsagent's for a pack of cigarettes whenever I've run out and chatting with the owner. I'll miss going to the pub whenever there's football on, and being surrounded by the exuberant crowd who's cheering along with me and laughing. I'll miss going to the park on a good day with my friends wtih a bottle of wine and paper cups and some food from convenience stores. I'll miss the performers in Covent Garden and Ben's Cookies. I'll miss Camden with it's dearth of people and bohemian charm, and the random Jamaican guys walking around going "do you want some marijuana? We got some marijuana", and the groups of people hanging around by the bridge with their instruments out. I'll miss the clothes, the mix of fashion on the streets from "messy" sloane chic, trousers down to your arse, business smart, drab casual, indie glam... Proper indie, not the oversold crap that everyone's dressed in that makes them look like the hybrid children of emo and commercial indie.
I'll miss KOKO and Bright Young Things nights with the girls in their fairy wings and the guys in the military jackets, the corsets and heels and pointy shoes and cigarettes and compliments on my fedora (which I have misplaced). I'll miss Fabric with it's endlessly long queues until five in the morning, and weed scented air and thunderous music and people utterly losing themselves in the hard beat of drum and bass. I'll miss the Gardening Club with it's supposedly "over 21s" age limit and cheesy music, it's friendly bouncers and the strange mix of crowd, but most of all teh nights I've spent there with my friends dancing to Pretty Woman, Sexy Back, Reach for the Stars, Ice Ice Baby and other ridiculously mixed up tracks.
So this... This is my formal goodbye. This is me saying, I'll miss you and I'll always love you not to a person, something I still haven't done yet. But to a place, a stage in my life. To school with it's iditoic beureaucracy, and rigid structure. To London and the independent, fun filled life I've lived there and the heartaches and the laughter that I've seen in it, gone through in it.
I'll be back to London, this I have complete fait in. I'll go back to London for Uni next year, because I'll have it no other way. I will go back to London. But to school, to the past over a decade of my life... I say good bye, it was nice to have been through you. You've taught me a lot.
I guess I'm only doing this now because I never had a formal goodbye at school. I left so suddenly after all, so abruptly. I didn't even go to Leaver's Ball. So... Bye. I have hardly any regrets and what I have... well, it's too late to change it, anyway. And it's not too big of a regret, anyway.
