Somehow, despite the lack of phone, I managed to meet up with cousin Pash on... oh wait, the day before yesterday. We went to J Co. Donuts and had half a dozen between the two of us, chatted about stuff, and she took random artsy pictures of the condensation on the plastic cup of her drink. I brought the bubble stuff and this old game we used to play as kids and it became a total walk down memory lane filled with giggles and muttered curses as we fought the rust that had stilted our skill. an hour after the mall closed we finally left, going to SS15 to get movies to watch and then later on to the stall near my place that serves the best damn burgers ever made. We both had the biggest, sloppiest burgers they had, then returned to my place at 12.45 a.m. and hung out and generally acted like the piggish, pseudo-boys that we are. She found my new fedora, I lent her my trenchcoat and the BB gun that looks too real for words and armed with her shiny DSLR, I took pictures. And I dubbed it her "Italian Mafioso wannabe gangsta" shoot. When she uploads them on Facebook, I'll post them here, because I think some of them turned out quite well.

It was sometime after she left (not having watched the movie as her sort-of-but-not-quite boyfriend had "invited" her to a party) that it occurred to me that she's probably one of the best friends I have in the world. Has been ever since we were kids. I've a lot of childhood friends, and although there are times (a lot of them, to be honest) when I feel far more comfortable in the presence of my own company and/or my laptop I have no real trouble making friends and get along with people quite easily, but Pash is one of the very few people in the world that it would truly sadden me to lose as a companion because she has been mine practically since we were in diapers. Although I act differently with different groups of people, like I said to , that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm acting a part, or that I'm not being who I am but rather I feel that they are different facets of myself that I can really only comfortably show to certain people. Pash, though... she comes closest to seeing who I am in entirety, and that is not something that a lot of people can say. And with her, I don't really need to put up a front, and with me, she feels the same. There are things about Pash that she would NEVER show people, but she shows those parts of her to me. And although there are times when I feel paranoid and insecure and annoyed and angry at her, no matter that sometimes I see or hear about her life and it dawns on me that certain things about her life makes us seem worlds apart, the bottom line is I love her and she's family. Much more than my siblings because there are so many things I can't tell them, or show them, about myself.

As I get older, it sort of amuses me to see how many of the people I hang out with I've known for a while. I can still remember that when I was younger, how three years seem to be such a long time and yet tomorrow I'll be having a sushi date with a friend I've known since I was eleven. That's nearly nine years. Both of us have grown up and matured (or so I hope) and yet when we're together it almost seems as though nothing has changed. Despite growing up in different parts of the world, despite having had such vastly different life experiences it seems as though how we've developed as people has been rather on par with each other. Her humour, her beliefs and her thoughts circle so closely to mine that it's a little unnerving. Things that she likes now, which I share, are things that we would never have considered as children. I know that turning 20 isn't that big a pinnacle in my life, that I've still a long way to go and in the grand scheme of things I'm still young yet but I think now I appreciate more these old friendships. Just the longevity of it all amazes and awes me.

A week ago, my mother told me that she was proud of me. I think children will never truly grow out of hearing a parent say that. While I might say that I don't look for parental approval, I think that inside all of us, or at least most of us, we hope for it. Sometimes that hope is crushed but when we doreceive that tremulous acceptance, we're over the moon.

Anyway, I'm hoping to be able to meet up with Nas and Pash tomorrow, as Nas will leave for Dubai before I get back from London and I'll probably not see him for a long while. And oh dear god, I have not started packing, but I know it won't take me too long. Although my flight is in the freakin' morning. I need to find myold UK SIM card so bad. Also, yay I has a new number! It's the same one as before, so it'll be easier on people, but dear fucking god, it's so damn difficult getting back lost numbers. I hates it, yes I do. And I'm using my mum's old N90. XD

Fear is gnawing, choking, robbing me of the pleasure of you. It tints my vision with the yellow of cowardice and the nauseating puce of insecurity. Fear robs me of the happiness that previously you brought to me, and while my heart is wrenched and tears fall scalding hot to my cheeks, I smile for you, hiding my thoughts with lackluster “I love yous” and halfhearted excuses.

Fear taints the joy of you. Bickering and cheerful insults and previously easy endearments which my mind and heart refuse to forget. I whisper deceit and promises, silk covered lies to keep you safe from the turmoil of my emotions.

When will fear and pain and cowardice turn to hatred and resentment? I lie in bed wanting to cry and to hold you in equal measure, my mind playing fantasies of your warmth, your smile, your touch, your skin, your flesh. A body that will be my temple of worship.

My love for you feels like a fragile dream shattering into a million pieces by cold reality and yet your sweet words hold me back: “I love you, I miss you.”

Your words make me weep with despair even as my heart shudders, my lips curve, my mouth opens - and I reply: “Me too. Love you.”

You are one of God's mistakes, you crying, tragic waste of skin...

... And I need to kick this habit of using song lyrics as the titles to my post. Really. The lyrics from this title comes from Placebo's "Song to Say Goodbye". I've been listening to Placebo a lot, recently. Don't know why. One of their songs caught my attention and I went on a downloading binge. I also went on a downloading binge for Blue October and Oasis. Then I started on Def Leppard, Eric Johnson, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Frank Zappa and Stevie Ry Vaughan. I don't know why. Also, Joe Satriani doing Beethoven's 5th? So freaking hot. I like rock instrumental remakes of classical music. There's a few by... Malice Mizer, I think. Some Beethoven and Mozart stuff that they've done some amazing things to. Oh wait, not Malice. Amadeus. Some of their stuff is way out there, but the ones that are good go beyond good, they're amazing.

The Servant have such wacky lyrics. I was listening to Glowing Logos and just about had a heart attack laughing so much. I mean, seriously:

Glowing logos out my mouth they twist
As I head on into town
Above the pavement I gently seem to lift
As I take a look around
It gets lonely swooping around like a phantom
It gets lonely lost in the black of an ocean
So help carry on
Lead me to someone
To someone like me

The vacuum-sealed  acrobat vampire
A broken credit card he rides
Slow and majestic he bids the zombie choir
“Begin your hymns of genocide”
It gets lonely swooping around like a phantom
It gets lonely lost in the black of an ocean
So help carry on
Lead me to someone
To someone like me

I could touch you underneath your mind
I could touch you where your boyfriend cannot find
And you’d be mine
Oh you’d be mine
Ceremonies with ejector seats and drugs
Made my memory bow
And artificial stimulation rods
Made you pitifully slow-mo
It gets lonely swooping around like a phantom
It gets lonely lost in the black of an ocean
So help carry on
Lead me to someone
To someone like me

You’re just my barcode
Baby you’re my barcode
Every day
You’re just my…

I especially love the second and third verses of this song.

In other news, my brother has gone nuts. After not playing Guitar Hero for close to a month, he decided to buy a second "guitar" for me to use. All because I showed him this video. The intricacies of the male ego amuses me. But anyway, it fired us up and my brother is determined to move into Hard level as opposed to medium. Me? I don't give two shits. Right now I'm just trying to be able to get everything above 90%. But hey, I get to listen to great music while I pretend to play the guitar, what's not to love? 3s and 7s by Queens of the Stone Age is love. It's got wicked cool guitar riffs.

My dad is going on a diet. My dad. It makes me go 0.o I have no weird for the weirdness of that, except for the fact that it's for health reasons. That I totally respect. And weirdly enough, once my father sets his mind on something, he'll do it right. So if you see my dad having lost tons of weight? Yeah, you know why. My mum isn't starving him for no reason. :P

Speaking of my father, the family is planning on throwing a party for the father's 60th this year. Maybe rent a nice place somewhere, have music and good food and dancing. My brother suggested that we should have a theme of "60s" so music is going to be like that. And it's apparently going to be dress up fancy as well, which is just weird. It'll be smallish or so, not over 80 people (I love how I say that's small but I guess for my parents and the people they know, it is. So my dad's MCKK friends and Army friends etc.

My sleeping habit's gone way out of whack again, recently. I'm not sleeping before nearly seven in the morning, get up late, and I don't do freaking anything because I haven't felt like it. I need to, though. Have to write this paper for the gallery, find out information on curators of various museums in the London area... fuck. And I have my other job as well. You know, the one that actually pays me to do nothing. *sigh* I just want to go to college. Is that too much to ask for? GAH.

Oblique Reference is eating at my brain. Not only do I have the main story arc to write, but I wrote one side story, and I'm planning on writing a series of AU offshoots which crosses over to other stories in our universe, using my friends' characters. Cael is smug. Cael's also been talking to some of V and C's characters and I swear to god, reading our conversations, not knowing us or what's going on, will make us seem completely fit for the loony bin. I mean, how else could you see people who talk as though their characters are actually living, breathing people with active personalities who "make you do things"? And the objects of our imagination talk. To us, to each other. And they have distinctive personalities. It would make me worried if I didn't find it all so damn amusing. At least I'm not the only one with this problem. V and C seem equally unable to control their characters as well, and neither does M, from what I've heard.

It doesn't help me that Cael is a flirty manwhore who wants to jump on anything on two legs. *sigh* And he's a mouthy, irreverent, bratty, remorseless and just... perfection. *sighs* He's like the brother I never wanted, but am proud to have. Although embarrassed. Because the thing about him hitting on everything? Wasn't a joke. And it's a bit disconcerting to hear the running commentary in my head.

... I hate getting emails from my dad. They're all so terribly formal and UGH. AGH. I FEEL LIKE TEARING MY HAIR OUT. But damn if I'm going to back down from this. I've made my mind up. I'm going to fucking Taylor's, I'm going to do the ADP and I will fucking go to Cornell if it's the last thing I fucking do. *glares at email* See how you like THAT response. Shit!


NB: The response was more logically thought out and calmly written. And as stiffly formal as his. Why is my family like this, WHY?