Fear is gnawing, choking, robbing me of the pleasure of you. It tints my vision with the yellow of cowardice and the nauseating puce of insecurity. Fear robs me of the happiness that previously you brought to me, and while my heart is wrenched and tears fall scalding hot to my cheeks, I smile for you, hiding my thoughts with lackluster “I love yous” and halfhearted excuses.

Fear taints the joy of you. Bickering and cheerful insults and previously easy endearments which my mind and heart refuse to forget. I whisper deceit and promises, silk covered lies to keep you safe from the turmoil of my emotions.

When will fear and pain and cowardice turn to hatred and resentment? I lie in bed wanting to cry and to hold you in equal measure, my mind playing fantasies of your warmth, your smile, your touch, your skin, your flesh. A body that will be my temple of worship.

My love for you feels like a fragile dream shattering into a million pieces by cold reality and yet your sweet words hold me back: “I love you, I miss you.”

Your words make me weep with despair even as my heart shudders, my lips curve, my mouth opens - and I reply: “Me too. Love you.”