Introspection 101

It's the end of mock exams and I find myself feeling listless. I'm heading towards London after my drama lesson, a fact which annoys me greatly because I could've gone back yesterday if not for this lesson. I thought it prudent to attend, however, due to the fact that my exam is on the 16th, and I've barely remembered the lines as it is. It's a good script, though. Solid. And Ms. Mercati is really proving herself to be quite the director on this piece. However, I've known that for quite some time, now. After all, the woman has been my teacher for nearly five years.

Five years... has it really been that long since I left home, left KTJ, left Malaysia behind to face this, my new future? Has it really been that long since I've let go of my friends, of my previous "Malaysian" habits and embraced this culture? I spoke to Caz about just... life in general, what's expected of me in Malaysia and what she said... it rang so true yet never did it occur to me, but for the part of my mind I keep locked to all but myself. Sometimes. I play a dual role, in my life. Almost like I have Multiple Personality Disorder, in fact. I'm not the only one who does this, it is a fact that many change who they are according to different variables, such as location or the people they are with.

I... not only do I change myself to suit those I am with, but I change myself according to location as well. There is Malaysia!Me, and England!Me. There is the me that my friends know, the me that my old friends know, the me that my third brother and sister know, the me that my parents know, and the me that our family friends know. Within those groups it is branched as well: the younger generation, and the older generation. To the older generation I am scrupulously polite, I am somewhat traditional, I am intelligent. I am centred and self-assured and many other things that I am a little of, but not fully.

Caz said it always surprises her, unnerves her whenever she hears me talking to my parents, or talking of home and realising that what she is seeing is only one aspect of my personality. I've turned so Westernized in my ideals, in my manner, in my way of thinking that it becomes harder for me, as time goes by, to fall back into those compartments that I have organized my personality in. It's probably a lost cause, but I fight for that because a very large part of me does not want to upset the organization that had took me so long. I wonder, though, if the reason why it is so very difficult nowadays is because my personality is turning more and more sure, more concrete. Yet due to this, I cannot help but wonder... which is turning real? Which of my personality is manifesting itself? And is it really the right one?

Ah, no more. I dislike these moments of introspection. They give me a headache and I suspect they make me sound more and more like the whining child I was.